The Real Constitution Discovered in Parallel Universe
The startling document reproduced below came my way from an unregistered, and indeed non-existent, source called Angelcynn.warp. I can only guess that it drifted in over the ether from a parallel universe, where things are exactly the same as in this one, with the exception that in this other universe a form of constitutional honesty prevails.
We the people of the nearly Perfected Millennial State, large and containing multitudes, unified only by a common dedication to abstract propositions – the most important of which is that All Men Are Created Equal – do hereby ordain and establish this Constitution so that the Mighty Popular Tribune, the Assembly of Lawyers, Insurance Men, and Realtors, and the Nine Delphic Oracles may have a noble public document to which they may refer whenever they decide to overturn civil society, conduct necessary social revolutions, or remould the very mentalities of the social subjects found within Our permeable borders, without respect to national origin, language, religion, or previous condition of platitude.
Article I.
Section 1. The power to bind the subjects in all matters whatsoever is inherent in governing as such, and is shared among the branches of government. Pro forma, laws shall be said to be “made” by a Congress consisting of two houses chosen in the same way by the same constituents. Every community large enough to appear on the American Automobile Association map shall elect a member to each house. Underlying social forces, as interpreted by the Supreme Court, shall specify from time to time the qualifications of the electors and members of Congress as well as the times and manner of elections.
Section 2. The Congress shall have Power to lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises on anyone and anything not nailed down to pay for whatever Congress shall wish to spend money on. All nails not conforming to the Metric System may be removed by Act of Congress.
Section 3. The Congress shall have Power to pass all laws necessary and proper. Congress shall be the judge of what is necessary and proper, excepting in cases wherein the Supreme Court shall find that Congress has failed to provide for the next stage of Social Evolution. In such cases, the Court may direct Congress to pass additional laws up to the tenth power of ten. Disputes pertaining to the last item shall be appealed to the Geometer General.
Article II.
Section 1. There shall be a President who shall act as Popular Tribune, Embodiment of the General Will, and International Conscience. His qualifications shall be those of a corporal able to seize power, or those of a member of Congress, whichever shall be the lesser. The President shall be chosen in general quadrennial plebiscite, provided always That the votes of the electors in the Florida Prefecture not be counted.
Section 2. The President shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully enforced by means of inherent Powers which result from his duties as Commander in Chief of All the Americans. On assuming Office, the President shall take an Oath to himself, swearing or affirming the same in the name of the Greek gods or My Dog Fala.
Section 3. The President shall have full sway over foreign affairs and shall endeavor to bring all matters under imperial jurisdiction, Everywhere in the World.
Section 4. The President shall implement and expand freedom from want, freedom from hunger, freedom from liberty, and all, further freedoms as shall in the course of time be discovered, Everywhere in the World. For these good reasons, the great man/woman must never be separated from his/her nuclear Football.
Section 5. The President may declare Local and Global Emergencies, on his own motion, and rule by Executive Order and Cruise Missile, when in his Judgment, such is required by the Exigencies of humankind, or his Own re-election.
Article III
Section 1. The Amending Power shall be vested in Nine Delphic Lawyers to be styled the Supreme Court of the Millennial State. The Supreme Court shall embody and possess magico-religious sovereignty and develop and propound New Doctrines appropriate to the Unfolding of Things.
Section 2. The Court shall oversee Social Progress and, in Case of a dispute between the branches of government, shall Decide the Exceptional Case, except when the President shall declare an Emergency.
Article IV.
Debts contracted by The Government shall be so large and unlimited that there is little point in having an article dealing with Them.
Article V.
The proclamation of this Constitution by a representative fraction of permanent state functionaries, high-minded busybodies, trial lawyers, tenured radicals, and other Chattering Classes shall be sufficient for the Establishment of this Constitution over the rabble found within the Nation-Proposition’s existing boundaries; nothing in this Constitution, however, shall prejudice the right and power of the Government to incorporate other nations, as needed, in fulfilment of its World Mission. [Hic explicit constitutio ex universo ignoto transmissa]
Learned Commentary
I now add some learned commentary to the foregoing document the better to illustrate its alembicated wisdom and other advantages. First, the new Preamble sets out the purposes of government in British North America far more clearly than the existing version, especially by putting the Five Self-Interpreting Words in their proper place as the telos of any worthy Constitution. This is certainly how Professors Harry Jaffa, David Theo Goldberg, and George Fletcher would have written it, had they been in Philadelphia in 1787 to make available their great wisdom to the Convention.
The new Article One recognizes the all-encompassing legislative powers actually possessed by Congress. The new Article Two sketches out the mighty Presidential Office as it has become, without alluding excessively to the great cosmocrator’s undeniable right and power to immolate the world with nuclear weapons. Such things go without saying. The new Article Three sets out the present role and of the Supreme Court and settles all outdated disputes about the so-called amending power, once and for all.
It will be seen at once that the New Model Constitution is far more streamlined than the old. Silly disputes which agitated our ancestors are here settled in just a few sentences and the actual workings of the American system brought in line with their justifying Charter.
Relax. Be happy. Don’t worry. After all, it is comforting to think that in some other Universe, the Constitution has been new-modeled, not only to conform with actual practice, but also with the high ideals of Garry Wills, Harry Jaffa, George Fletcher, and other such worthies, who tend to fret over the bad notions which the rabble sometimes acquire by reading the 1787 text.